Love Requires a Sense of Humor

"When is our anniversary, Christy?"

"I can't believe you've forgotten, oh ye of the everlasting memory! It's been almost ten years and you've forgotten! August 29th, 1998!"

"Oh, I didn't forget. But you might want to look at the calendar."

"I don't have to look at the calendar. I wrote it on there months ago. Tenth anniversary in big letters on the 29th. Maybe you need to look at the calendar."

"Ha! Hahahahaha! I am looking at the calendar, Christy."

I stomped into the kitchen and ripped the calendar off the fridge. I jabbed my finger at a square and said, "See! Tenth anniversary!" Nick grinned from ear to ear as he pointed to the date again. I'd written it on the 28th.

10 things I've learned about marriage in the last 10 years

Tomorrow is Nick's and my tenth anniversary. Tomorrow is also my mother's back surgery. Life is messy like that. The joy gets mixed up with worry.

10 Things about I've Learned About Marriage

1. Marriages are unique. There is no one right way to approach marriage. So it's ok to ignore supposedly universal advice if it doesn't fit my marriage - like "Don't go to bed angry." I go to bed angry all the time. I wake up angry, but rested. Then I can have a discussion instead of a fight.
2. I can't give everything I've got to work, the kids, church, my friends, and then serve Nick whatever is left over at the end of the day. He's my husband. He deserves better than scraps of me.
3. If I'm not getting what I need, I have to tell Nick. I have to be specific. I can't say that I need time with him. I have to say I need 15 minutes every day for him to listen to me. Then he will understand and give me what I need or we'll fight about it and find a compromise.
4. When I start to hide little, unimportant things from Nick, we are heading toward rocky territory. That's the time to pull out the stops and figure out what is really wrong and fix it.
5. Some things do not stay fixed. This is the nature of the world. Mountains crumble, canyons deepen, rivers change course, compromises erode. Take a deep breath and fix it again.
6. Marriage is not a competition so don't keep score.
7. Sex is important, and that's ok.
8. Always make sure that what I'm hearing is what Nick is saying and vice versa. There is nothing wrong with being a parrot, especially when furious. Sometimes saying "I am hearing you say blah blah blah" is the quickest way to uncover a miscommunication.
9. Nick will never forget the Juice Newton bet, the combo gas station and burger king bet, or any other bet that we've ever had when I've been wrong (which is about 90% of them). So I don't make bets unless I'm prepared to be teased about them for the next 30 or 40 years.
10. Marriage isn't a choice that I made 10 years ago. It's a series of choices that I have made over the past 10 years and that I will continue to make for the rest of our time together. It's a constant process of choosing Nick over the alternatives. And sometimes, I make the wrong choice. Sometimes he does too. But I think that if we each choose each other more often than not, we'll make it.

Nine Years

Nine years ago at this very moment, I was in my dining room putting an entire can of hairspray on my recently curled hair in a pointless attempt to coax my stick-straight hair into staying curled long enough for pictures and a wedding ceremony. It worked, although I have almost no evidence of my success due to a low-down dirty dog of a photographer. He went out of business after we paid for our pictures but before he had actually delivered them. Several other couples were in the same circumstance. I cried so many tears over those lost photos.

For our first anniversary, Nick gave me the negatives. I still don't know exactly how he managed it, but he did. He sweet-talked another photographer into developing one of the pictures. He went through all 500 negatives to find a picture of the two of us before the altar. He carefully put it into the pewter frame that I had picked out for our registry. He wrapped it in actual gift wrapping paper - a huge ordeal for a man who generally "wraps" presents in a plastic grocery bag. Through all of this selection and handling of the photograph, Nick never noticed that my eyes are closed in the picture.

I display the picture anyway. It makes me inordinately happy to see it in a prominent location in my living room, showing me in all of my unattractive glory. I have the negatives and I could replace it and even have a wedding album printed, but I don't really want to. I don't need them any more. Memories of a perfect ceremony are nothing next to memories of an imperfect, happy marriage.

I was peeved at Nick this morning because he forgot to write "I love you" on his card to me. I would rather be peeved at him than anyone else in the world. After nine years, I am exactly where I want to be. I can't wait to see what the next nine years holds for us.