The faucet almost works.

Nick arrived home with tools. New tools that he had purchased specifically for this project and perhaps more projects to come. He had read DIY sites, watched DIY videos, and was up to the job. 5:25 - Nick clad himself in stretchy clothes for the job. 5:30 - He unwrapped the purchases and took inventory. We both admired the basin wrench. 5:40 - He started removal of the old faucet. 5:55 - I ran upstairs to get The Book because the removal was not going smoothly. The Book said, "Removal is often the toughest part of a job." but it offered no hints or help with the removal. By this point, Nick had removed the faucet, the handles, the escutcheons, and a lot of nuts. Yet somehow, the pipe structure stayed in place. Plumbing has mysterious powers. 6:05 - Dinner break! 6:30 - Back to it. This time, Jake held the flashlight. Holding a flashlight is always helpful. 7:10 - I was dispatched upstairs to look for help on the internet. 7:12 - I hear a loud, ringing, repetitive thump. I investigate and discover that half of the plumbing structure is free. I hold it in place so Nick can bang on it some more. Then I see the washer! One little C shaped washer is all that stands between us and a new fixture. 7:15 - We open the plumbers putty and stare at it, wondering where and how to apply it. Nick decides to smear it on some black plastic piece. The new fixture gets bolted in. Crooked. Nick unbolts it and reattaches it. 7:50 - The water thingys don't reach the new faucet. Nick heads out to buy some more. 8:05 - I attempt with my weenie little arms to remove the old water thingys. 8:06 - I give up. 8:40 - Nick's back. He gets the old water thingys off, nearly shearing off the hot water shut off valve turny thing in the process. The hot water shut off valve turny thing is surprisingly flimsy. I suppress the urge to laugh hysterically. Everything gets connected, we turn on the water, we turn on the faucet and everything works. Hurrah! 9:00 - "Aren't we supposed to run it without the aerator?" I removed the aerator and the hot water tap stops working. 9:15 - We discover that the new water thingys have a flood protection device that sometimes kicks in when the aerator is removed. We need to remove the hot water thingy and reseat it. We decide to clean up and do that tomorrow. So, as of tonight, I will have a fully functioning faucet. I've discovered that our marriage works better when I make demands instead of suggestions. Nick's discovered that he's smart enough to figure out basic plumbing. And next time we replace a faucet, I suspect it will take us closer to the one hour project duration that seems to be the norm. We might not be efficient, but we do get the job done.

I did not marry my father.

The bathroom faucet really really broke last night. For the past couple of years (yes, I said years), it has been broken but usable. The cold water handle fell off. You could use the faucet by putting on the handle and turning it. As soon as you let go, the handle would fall off again. Nick tried to fix it a couple of times by gluing it back on, but the glue never cured or it was the wrong glue or he glued the wrong part or something. The point is that the freaking handle would not stay on the freaking faucet and I have been dealing with this for years. And as of 5:37 last night, I can no longer deal with even that. I put the handle on and turn. It spun around 360 degrees with nary a drop. I can only assume that we've finally worn off the threading. When we bought the house, Nick promised me that I would never have to deal with home repairs. I believed him, fool that I am. As a result, I am living in a house that is gradually falling into a state of disrepair. If I were renting, I would likely draft some nasty letters to my landlord. Unfortunately, I am not renting. There is no one to write, no one to whom I can direct my myriad complaints about the handyman. I have refused to address any of the problems myself because it is not my house. It's Nick's house and he promised me that I would never have to lift a wrench or call a plumber. The state of affairs has reached critical mass. Something has to give. And this time, it is going to be me. Sometime earlier this morning, I realized that I didn't marry my father. I deliberately chose a man who is very different than my father. Dad's a good man and I love him. But I cannot live with him. So, I chose someone who I thought I could live with. And really, it's not fair for me to be angry with Nick because he's not as handy as my dad. So this time, my promise to Nick wins. I promised to be with Nick as he is and not as I want him to be. And like it or not, that means I'm a homeowner who needs to make her own repairs. I called and left a message for him at work. I am going to ask that he borrow tools from a friend who has done plumbing work. Then he and I are going to fix that faucet tonight together if it takes all night long. Then we're going to make a list of everything else that does not work and we're going to fix that too. I might not have married my father, but he didn't marry his mother either. It is time for me to stop passively waiting. It is time for me to make things happen.

Meatball Transcript

C: Wash your hands and you can help me make some meatballs. No, you cannot stand on the floor. Get a chair. Get a chair. Get a chair. GET A CHAIR. Pull up your sleeves. J: Can I crack the eggs? C: Sure. Just be careful about the shells. Good. Now stick your hands in it and mix. J: It's too cold. C: Suck it up. Mix. Keep the meat in the bowl. Keep the meat in the bowl. Meat.in.bowl. PUT THE MEAT IN THE BOWL! LEAVE IT THERE! Now squish. Squish it IN THE BOWL. J: My sleeve fell down. C: Don't worry about it. Don't pull it up with your meaty hand. Don't pull it up with your meaty hand, you'll get meat on your shirt. Great - you got meat on your shirt. (big sigh) J: Tell me about the bugs in the meat again. C: If you eat raw turkey, there are bugs in it called bacteria. They will make you sick. You will throw up and throw up and throw up and have diarrhea, which is runny poop. You will poop and poop and poop. J laughs so hard that he grabs onto the counter. C: You are getting meat EVERYWHERE! AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH! OK, that's enough. Now make it into balls like this. They have to be about the same size. J: This one looks like a pig. C: Get it out of my face. I can't see it that close. Yeah, a pig. Don't scratch your nose. Don't scratch your nose. Hold on, I'm washing my hands. Don't scratch. DON'T SCRATCH! Great, you've got meat all over your face. OK, that's all of them. Let's wash our hands. Rinse off all the meat first. No, you are not ready for soap. There's still meat on your hands. There's still meat on your hands. Shit! LISTEN TO ME! The meatballs were delicious, but I think we'll wait a while before trying again. I'm too uptight to enjoy smearing my child and kitchen with raw poultry.